There are days when I feel just fine - and today is not one of those. I slept badly, waking up every couple of hours, and I woke up scared and tired.
I feel empty, and I feel drained. I want to go to vacation, and I cannot make myself study, even though it's only a week to the end of exams. I am scared of what tomorrow will bring, scared of the very thought of failing, but I cannot make myself move, cannot make myself work. There is nothing that I would like better than to lay somewhere near the sea, listen to music and watch the skies, watch the clouds and look for different shapes in them. And music, oh , I want to listen to all the music of the world, and still I want to listen to same song over and over and over again. and then I want to listen to a bunch of songs over and over and over again, let my mind wander far far away, and close my eyes, and push all this reality far beyond my grasp. I want to imagine the trains, the roads, the world, the river, the people, the mountains and the dogs, and the blue sky with grey clouds, and the thunderstorms, and the rain and a lot of coloured umbrellas. And a pair of blue shoes, and a skirt and carefree walk, and freedom. Most of all the freedom. The world is out there somewhere, perhaps waiting for me, and I cannot move, cannot make it come closer, cannot push this boulders aside. I am thankful for not ever loosing my belief in future, and I am thankful for having the strength for not giving up on it. I am grateful for being able to cling to things that make me happy, even though I do not remember exactly how that feels like. I am grateful for my mind and my logic, both of which never let me give up, never let me fall beyond my own reach and never let me be completely hopeless. I will leave all this behind one day, and run far far away, and make myself a new life, out of scratch, and make myself a better life, make myself a happier life.
I just hope that day will come soon enough.
I feel empty, and I feel drained. I want to go to vacation, and I cannot make myself study, even though it's only a week to the end of exams. I am scared of what tomorrow will bring, scared of the very thought of failing, but I cannot make myself move, cannot make myself work. There is nothing that I would like better than to lay somewhere near the sea, listen to music and watch the skies, watch the clouds and look for different shapes in them. And music, oh , I want to listen to all the music of the world, and still I want to listen to same song over and over and over again. and then I want to listen to a bunch of songs over and over and over again, let my mind wander far far away, and close my eyes, and push all this reality far beyond my grasp. I want to imagine the trains, the roads, the world, the river, the people, the mountains and the dogs, and the blue sky with grey clouds, and the thunderstorms, and the rain and a lot of coloured umbrellas. And a pair of blue shoes, and a skirt and carefree walk, and freedom. Most of all the freedom. The world is out there somewhere, perhaps waiting for me, and I cannot move, cannot make it come closer, cannot push this boulders aside. I am thankful for not ever loosing my belief in future, and I am thankful for having the strength for not giving up on it. I am grateful for being able to cling to things that make me happy, even though I do not remember exactly how that feels like. I am grateful for my mind and my logic, both of which never let me give up, never let me fall beyond my own reach and never let me be completely hopeless. I will leave all this behind one day, and run far far away, and make myself a new life, out of scratch, and make myself a better life, make myself a happier life.
I just hope that day will come soon enough.
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