Well, this is it. Tomorrow I have to turn my index in, and have a verbal exam in two of my classes, which is more of a formality than an exam. After that, it's just a presentation of my final assignment, and bam! , I'm graduated. A baccalareus. And I do not feel happy about it. After all, I do have two years of masters in front of me, but I hoped getting this far would satisfy me, at least for a couple of days. The exams are over, the stress is almost over, and I do not feel any better. Perhaps it will sink in when I finally get my framed diploma and hang it on my wall. I do hope so.
For now, thoughts about the summer are killing me. I will have a month and a half of vacation this year, and the first time in past 5 years I won't be working. My Mother is already bitching about it, and lamenting why would I spent my free time on doing nothing. I cannot work again, I need rest. I feel like I've had years of one school year, the obligations never stopping, the stress never stopping, never having any fun, never being relaxed. I will rest this summer. I will gather my strength again.
I've met an acquaintance of mine on Wednesday, after my last written exam, and the first thing he said to me was: "Hi, when are you going to the seaside?". I told him I was probably going to my aunt's place in London, and if that one fails I would go to the seaside somewhere.
I lied.
It pains me to say so, but I lie a lot when someone asks me about my social life - I guess I'm to ashamed to admit I have none. Yes, perhaps I will go to my aunt's, but they're redecorating their house, and they are coming on vacation here, which in addition to my not-so-long holidays doesn't leave much time for me to visit London again. I honestly doubt I will be going there any time soon.
I haven't been to the seaside since I was 16 (I am 22 now). The first year I missed on it was a great year, when I went to England, and my high school class traveled to Amsterdam, 'cause it was the summer before our senior year. The summer after that one, and all the summers hence, I spent working. I'd tell anyone who'd ask me I did not like the summer, and I did not like the sea, and I did not like to be on the seashore, probably trying to convince myself more than anyone else.
I thought I might go for a week this year, but there is so many obstacles.
First, I have no money to pay for it. I got a 100£ that my aunt gave me over the past year, I got cca 50£ in the bank, and cca 40£ in my wallet. Not nearly enough to pay for the trip, and a place to stay, and the food and drinks when I'm down there - unless I get a job which I am quite determined I'll not do this year. But considering I did well in college, I might get my father to pay for it. Or I might share the expenses with someone, which brings me to the next point.
Secondly, and I believe more important, I would never find the strength to go alone. I would think everyone is looking at me for being alone, I would not dare to go to the beach and leave my stuff there unattended (and I will not even venture in describing how would I look in a bathing suit). So I start to count all of my friends who I might take along. Of my female friends, two are vacationing with their boyfriends (also my closest friends) in their own apartments. My best friend is not allowed to go to the seaside without her parents (Yes, I know, it sucks, but that's life). Another female friend of mine, this one outside my "standard" circle of friends is also taking her boyfriend along. Of my male friends, only one of them doesn't have a house in Dalmatia, and that one is visiting a friend who does.
Needless to say, I was not invited anywhere - and it hurts me. It hurts me even more that I cannot get over it. But, back to summer plans, I have considered every single person I would like to have for company, and every single one of them had plans that did not include me.
So I'll stay in Zagreb for the whole summer. I hope to go to my fathers, after I'm completely done with college - there at least is not as hot in the city, I can smoke, I can eat whenever I feel like it without being harassed, I can stay in my room and read if I feel like it, and I can play with the cats (those living things that like me, and let me pet them, and let me play with them, and even fall asleep in my arms just make me a bit more happier than I was). If I got lucky, they might go and visit my stepmother's family while she's on vacation, so I just might get a week or two on my own. That would be great - it's somewhat easier to be alone when you're lonely, than to be stuck with people.
And while I'm stuck here I might go to the zoo, I haven't been in years. Maybe even the cinema. I might even go walk through the city in the afternoons, after the sun begins to set. On the first not-so-hot day I might go and visit my grandfathers grave - it takes a lot of time to get there and back again. In the mornings I could go and walk in our botanical garden, while there's no lovers there.
If only I could make myself go to all those places on my own.
For now, thoughts about the summer are killing me. I will have a month and a half of vacation this year, and the first time in past 5 years I won't be working. My Mother is already bitching about it, and lamenting why would I spent my free time on doing nothing. I cannot work again, I need rest. I feel like I've had years of one school year, the obligations never stopping, the stress never stopping, never having any fun, never being relaxed. I will rest this summer. I will gather my strength again.
I've met an acquaintance of mine on Wednesday, after my last written exam, and the first thing he said to me was: "Hi, when are you going to the seaside?". I told him I was probably going to my aunt's place in London, and if that one fails I would go to the seaside somewhere.
I lied.
It pains me to say so, but I lie a lot when someone asks me about my social life - I guess I'm to ashamed to admit I have none. Yes, perhaps I will go to my aunt's, but they're redecorating their house, and they are coming on vacation here, which in addition to my not-so-long holidays doesn't leave much time for me to visit London again. I honestly doubt I will be going there any time soon.
I haven't been to the seaside since I was 16 (I am 22 now). The first year I missed on it was a great year, when I went to England, and my high school class traveled to Amsterdam, 'cause it was the summer before our senior year. The summer after that one, and all the summers hence, I spent working. I'd tell anyone who'd ask me I did not like the summer, and I did not like the sea, and I did not like to be on the seashore, probably trying to convince myself more than anyone else.
I thought I might go for a week this year, but there is so many obstacles.
First, I have no money to pay for it. I got a 100£ that my aunt gave me over the past year, I got cca 50£ in the bank, and cca 40£ in my wallet. Not nearly enough to pay for the trip, and a place to stay, and the food and drinks when I'm down there - unless I get a job which I am quite determined I'll not do this year. But considering I did well in college, I might get my father to pay for it. Or I might share the expenses with someone, which brings me to the next point.
Secondly, and I believe more important, I would never find the strength to go alone. I would think everyone is looking at me for being alone, I would not dare to go to the beach and leave my stuff there unattended (and I will not even venture in describing how would I look in a bathing suit). So I start to count all of my friends who I might take along. Of my female friends, two are vacationing with their boyfriends (also my closest friends) in their own apartments. My best friend is not allowed to go to the seaside without her parents (Yes, I know, it sucks, but that's life). Another female friend of mine, this one outside my "standard" circle of friends is also taking her boyfriend along. Of my male friends, only one of them doesn't have a house in Dalmatia, and that one is visiting a friend who does.
Needless to say, I was not invited anywhere - and it hurts me. It hurts me even more that I cannot get over it. But, back to summer plans, I have considered every single person I would like to have for company, and every single one of them had plans that did not include me.
So I'll stay in Zagreb for the whole summer. I hope to go to my fathers, after I'm completely done with college - there at least is not as hot in the city, I can smoke, I can eat whenever I feel like it without being harassed, I can stay in my room and read if I feel like it, and I can play with the cats (those living things that like me, and let me pet them, and let me play with them, and even fall asleep in my arms just make me a bit more happier than I was). If I got lucky, they might go and visit my stepmother's family while she's on vacation, so I just might get a week or two on my own. That would be great - it's somewhat easier to be alone when you're lonely, than to be stuck with people.
And while I'm stuck here I might go to the zoo, I haven't been in years. Maybe even the cinema. I might even go walk through the city in the afternoons, after the sun begins to set. On the first not-so-hot day I might go and visit my grandfathers grave - it takes a lot of time to get there and back again. In the mornings I could go and walk in our botanical garden, while there's no lovers there.
If only I could make myself go to all those places on my own.
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