It is almost midnight, and I am completely stuck with my program. I have finished the web application, but have absolutely no idea how to make a pocket pc one, or for what purpose I have to use the web service, I do not even know how to write that damn service. Only two of six of my team members are awake, one who has done even less work than myself, and one who either doesn't see my IM's or has decided to block me out.
It angers me.
I hate being so incompetent, I hate not knowing, I hate being sleepy, I hate being afraid. I hate that my trillian window won't stop blinking, and I bloody hate that there's noone to help me. I hate that my team member, let's call him Jim, can't stop to ask me stupid questions like, "have you put your solution on the server" or "what have you done already" over and over and over again. And I hate that Jim always complains about something, and I hate the way he talks - it's almost like wailing - slow and stretched. And I hate that I cannot, that I do not allow myself to complain like he does, even though I would like to do so sometimes.
I hate that I always disappoint myself in people I believe that would help me the most, that would make a difference, that actually care about me.
I hate the world right now, and would love to scream, hit, break, destroy something, anything, scream, scream. The Anger rises, like a storm, like a thunder, and I cannot stop it, I cannot control it, I want to see the wreck in front of me, but I dare not touch anything, I dare not destroy the little of things I have, I dare not let it out.
I dare not lose control.
It angers me.
I hate being so incompetent, I hate not knowing, I hate being sleepy, I hate being afraid. I hate that my trillian window won't stop blinking, and I bloody hate that there's noone to help me. I hate that my team member, let's call him Jim, can't stop to ask me stupid questions like, "have you put your solution on the server" or "what have you done already" over and over and over again. And I hate that Jim always complains about something, and I hate the way he talks - it's almost like wailing - slow and stretched. And I hate that I cannot, that I do not allow myself to complain like he does, even though I would like to do so sometimes.
I hate that I always disappoint myself in people I believe that would help me the most, that would make a difference, that actually care about me.
I hate the world right now, and would love to scream, hit, break, destroy something, anything, scream, scream. The Anger rises, like a storm, like a thunder, and I cannot stop it, I cannot control it, I want to see the wreck in front of me, but I dare not touch anything, I dare not destroy the little of things I have, I dare not let it out.
I dare not lose control.
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