Never and far away

I have never been to a concert. Never to a ball game such as handball or football. I never went skiing. Never went hiking. Never had a meaningful relationship, nor have I ever been intimate with a man. Never learned to play drums, nor guitar nor piano. Never been able to carry out any tune without a lot of practice. Never been able to draw anything more complex than a simple geometric shape. I never liked the way I looked. I never learned how to drive a car.

I was not allowed to train handball because "it would affect my grades". I was not allowed to go to music school for the same reason. I was not allowed to train jazz dance in high school - guess - for the same reason. I was never allowed to speak my mind at home. I was never allowed to have a dog or a cat or a hamster.

I do not remember the last time I got a compliment. I do not remember the last time I went to the zoo. I do not remember the last time someone held my hand. I do not remember the last time someone said that they believed in me. I do not remember the time I did not want to leave home. I do not remember the time when romantic comedies did not make me cry. I do not remember the time when any kind of love on screen did not make me cry.

I got my last kiss on last New Year's Eve, from a very drunken guy. Last time someone said to me "I love you" was seven years ago. The last time I looked for comfort in people rather than books was year and half ago. I have not been to the cinema for almost a year. I have not been to the theatre in the last four years - ever since I rolled up in college. Since then I have not been out dancing the whole night away. A year ago was the last time I had feelings for someone (even though they were not returned). Last time I spent some time at the seaside was six years ago.

I can barely remember the time when I was happy.