I am unhappy and lonely. Utterly lonely.
I am somewhat weird and quite neurotic. I react emotionally to situations more than most of the people I know, yet I have long left the habit of letting anyone know how I felt, for I have never got a soothing response, or any kind of response different from: "you'll get over it", or "lol", or "bah, you're imagining it". I often panic over unimportant matters and have difficult time pulling myself together. I can get very anxious over small matters, like sending an e-mail to my mentor, going to the store, and I get overwhelmed when I have to phone some unknown people. I get really angry at times, but I suppress it, as I always did.
I am a student of Computing, and next month I should get my Bachelor's (baccalarius) degree. After that I have two years of Master's ahead of me. I love my chosen profession but at the same time I feel stretched, exhausted and somewhat incompetent. In the academic part of my life, now more than ever, I am facing walls made of my own fear of failure and my low self-esteem (which I may add, is almost non-existent).
As much as I once loved crowded places, hanging out and meeting new people, I hate it now in the pretty much same extent. I am more happy alone in my loneliness - it is so hard facing other, happier people nowadays.
I live with my mother and my grandmother. I hate that they do not respect my privacy, I hate that I had to be 20 years old before I got my own room, and I hate even more that they just burst in here whenever they feel like it. I hate that they do not (nor have ever) cared for my emotional well-being. I hate that they do not let me smoke on the balcony, nor in their sight, even though my mother was allowed when she was younger, and any guest we do have are permitted to smoke even in the living room.
My father and I are not close, although, I like spending time with him and my stepmother, every now and then when I get a few days off college. We are quite alike, both stubborn, nervous most of the time, and we only recently managed to find a common language.
I hate my so called home, and I live for the moment I finish my college, get a decent job and move out. Over time I would like to move to London, better to say its suburb, get a nice house with a lovely garden, and most of all I wish to get a dog. A St. Bernard to be exact.
I hate what was my childhood, for ever since I was 12 years old and my grandfather died I have never felt as though I have someone to call a parent or a role-model. I hate that my mother always made me feel as I was worth only as good my grades in school were. I know that she loves me, but I do and did not feel it, and I hate that one too.
As of friends, I have a few great friends, all of whom I've met in high school, but I do not dare to share all of the above (and below) with them.
Once I had a boyfriend, roughly 7 years ago, and it was nothing more than a childish love and a disaster. I got hurt badly in the end and it took me a lot of time to deal with it. From that time I had noone special in my life, and as much as I yearn to be loved, it is my greatest fear of all - to just let go. It is hard being nobody's number 1, especially when I see all of my friends so happy. I hate that I get jealous at them, for I am glad they are happy.
And as of not so recent, I cry myself to sleep almost every night. It hurts so badly, this being alone, that I just wish to jump right out of my very skin, I shake, I cry, I want to wail but I dare not , should anyone hear me.
I have built myself a mask of happiness and of strength, but I am not happy, and as much as I try I cannot pull myself out. This is just another try on pouring the steam out, and I am hoping to get away with just minor burns.
I am somewhat weird and quite neurotic. I react emotionally to situations more than most of the people I know, yet I have long left the habit of letting anyone know how I felt, for I have never got a soothing response, or any kind of response different from: "you'll get over it", or "lol", or "bah, you're imagining it". I often panic over unimportant matters and have difficult time pulling myself together. I can get very anxious over small matters, like sending an e-mail to my mentor, going to the store, and I get overwhelmed when I have to phone some unknown people. I get really angry at times, but I suppress it, as I always did.
I am a student of Computing, and next month I should get my Bachelor's (baccalarius) degree. After that I have two years of Master's ahead of me. I love my chosen profession but at the same time I feel stretched, exhausted and somewhat incompetent. In the academic part of my life, now more than ever, I am facing walls made of my own fear of failure and my low self-esteem (which I may add, is almost non-existent).
As much as I once loved crowded places, hanging out and meeting new people, I hate it now in the pretty much same extent. I am more happy alone in my loneliness - it is so hard facing other, happier people nowadays.
I live with my mother and my grandmother. I hate that they do not respect my privacy, I hate that I had to be 20 years old before I got my own room, and I hate even more that they just burst in here whenever they feel like it. I hate that they do not (nor have ever) cared for my emotional well-being. I hate that they do not let me smoke on the balcony, nor in their sight, even though my mother was allowed when she was younger, and any guest we do have are permitted to smoke even in the living room.
My father and I are not close, although, I like spending time with him and my stepmother, every now and then when I get a few days off college. We are quite alike, both stubborn, nervous most of the time, and we only recently managed to find a common language.
I hate my so called home, and I live for the moment I finish my college, get a decent job and move out. Over time I would like to move to London, better to say its suburb, get a nice house with a lovely garden, and most of all I wish to get a dog. A St. Bernard to be exact.
I hate what was my childhood, for ever since I was 12 years old and my grandfather died I have never felt as though I have someone to call a parent or a role-model. I hate that my mother always made me feel as I was worth only as good my grades in school were. I know that she loves me, but I do and did not feel it, and I hate that one too.
As of friends, I have a few great friends, all of whom I've met in high school, but I do not dare to share all of the above (and below) with them.
Once I had a boyfriend, roughly 7 years ago, and it was nothing more than a childish love and a disaster. I got hurt badly in the end and it took me a lot of time to deal with it. From that time I had noone special in my life, and as much as I yearn to be loved, it is my greatest fear of all - to just let go. It is hard being nobody's number 1, especially when I see all of my friends so happy. I hate that I get jealous at them, for I am glad they are happy.
And as of not so recent, I cry myself to sleep almost every night. It hurts so badly, this being alone, that I just wish to jump right out of my very skin, I shake, I cry, I want to wail but I dare not , should anyone hear me.
I have built myself a mask of happiness and of strength, but I am not happy, and as much as I try I cannot pull myself out. This is just another try on pouring the steam out, and I am hoping to get away with just minor burns.
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