And once more...

The second day in a row, the third day this week I'm at the brink of tears.
I want... (in the order of coming to mind):
someone...
to love.
to love me.
to hold my hand.
to understand.
to be supportive.
to kiss me.
to make love to me.
to go to cinema with.
to go out dancing.
to hug.
to cuddle with.
to warm my hands in the winter.
to take a vacation with.

won't just anyone please love me?

I feel so desperate. Yet not desperate enough.
And lonely. Yet I distance myself from others.
And angry. But I do not express it.

Afraid.

Oh so afraid. Of everything. Of the people on the tram that might touch me. Of the people on the streets that might say something rude to me. Of someone in my college thinking of me as stupid. Of being stupid. Of being lazy. Of being unable to move, unable to get better. Unable to be loved?

Afraid of ending up alone? I don't know. Lately I've been thinking a lot, if this is how I might live my whole life. There are good days when I feel it's possible. When I enjoy doing some work, reading, watching a movie and I can imagine myself doing that for the rest of my life. With the possible exception of getting a real dog, not just the virtual ones on facebook. But then there are nights like this one, when I know that it's not gonna get better on it's own. When I know that I'm spending more and more nights crying and trying to calm myself enough to fall asleep. When I know that it's too much pain to bear, and when I sense that if I maintain this state of whatever-it's-called I will reach my limit someday and then... well. I'm afraid of that too. What if I get myself so reason-less, so desperate, in so much pain I might actually come to think death is the way out? What if I get there and I don't see it in time? And I don't get help in time?
And yet, everytime I decide to do just that, there is always something to put me off. How can I go to therapy now, I have to study. Or I have so much work to do, I'll just get more vulnerable. What if they laugh at me? What if they don't take me serious? Or worse,

what if they can't help me?

Anger

Funy how it's anger that made me cry tonight.

I was rather mellow feeling today, from the very first ring of the alarm clock. I felt lonely all day, couldn't get anyone of my friends to go and grab a cup of coffee, got annoyed by my family the whole afternoon. I listened to some sad music (not really a change to my normal daily rutine). I checked out the incel board I found some days ago, which I usually do when I'm about to burst to tears or am feeling really really down. And I didn't cry. I had some pangs of loneliness trying to creep me out. But I didn't give in, I didn't cry.

And just now, just as I was ready to go to bed (I'm quite proud of sleeping normal for ten days now) a friend sent me an IM on MSN. Normally, I set my status to invisible when I'm in no mood for talking, but I forgot. And this friend of mine, really, I mean REALLY annoys me. Makes me ANGRY.
He seldom talks to me just for the sake of it. He never reads any instruction or announcement, and then he asks me about information he could've read if he'd bother. And he's doing that for a year or so now.

Why in the world is it so hard to scroll down half a page and read the fucking text you're reading to the end?! Is it so much easier to minimize the bloody window, get IM messenger started, pick MY NAME and ASK ME about information I might have even not read?!
WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SO LAZY?!
Why the hell do you care how did I do my homework?! Why don't you just ask if you want to copy it? Why do you always lie to me? Why do you always say you just want to see how it's done, but then copy it and change the smallest of unimportant details?! And why do you always do that when I have no time to answer, or am just about to do something important?!

and WHY IS IT ME YOU BOTHER?! oh for fuck's sake, go and find someone else.

And why is it so hard for me to say no? Why do I always answer even though I might not be the nicest person at the moment? And why do I always feel I should be the nicest person ever and help everyone even though I get hindered?


So now I'm angry, oh so angry. And lonely. And tired and sleepy. I'm gonna try to go to sleep now, but I'll probably get some bad thoughts. And cry.